Saturday, January 27, 2007

Open Letter or End of an Era

It's been one week now that I've been a WAHM. I have to say while it has had it's moments of utter frustration (T.D. not napping, desperately trying to wrestle the keyboard from me to teeth on, etc) and sometimes boredom (T.D. napping and me not wanting to write one more thing) the week was just what I wanted it to be. I've had time to reflect, to write more, to cook some fun and sometimes difficult dishes. I've gone to the gym more and had playdates. My world is a totally different one than it was earlier this month. For that I am glad. I am happy that H and I knew this was what was right for our family.

I'm glad that we both knew that with the onset of my going back to work last spring things quickly weren't working. When the Post-Partum depression hit me in April just after returning to work I tried to maintain our world as much as I could. Many people when depressed find it hard to get out of bed. I went to work each day, sat in traffic and meetings, worked extra when I could. I deserve nothing for this. It's just what I had to do. I gave up precious family time. Yes, precious. We value it above all else obviously or we wouldn't have changed our lives. There is nothing wrong with that. It's not what everyone wants, but it's what we wanted. That alone surprised me. I would never judge anyone for doing what is best for their family or tell them what to do. That is not how I operate. My readers know that.

Leaving my job was a very hard decision for me to make. I never saw myself as a stay at home mother. I liked my job. I liked many of the people that I worked with. If I didn't like you, you knew it. If I didn't agree with something, everyone knew it. I made no bones about it. Ever. Instead of going to work everyday and playing online poker, or taking smoke breaks (which is compeletly fine if that is your thing), getting my frustrations out by yelling loudly at people or punching walls, I chose to write. I openly discussed what bothered me. I talked to others and tried to change things. That was what worked for me.

My readers found my frustrations about work and the new mom juggle amusing and honest. It was easy to write about something I was in at least ten hours a day. Who wants to read about traffic? Then, they turned on me. They screamed at me in all caps to quit my job. To get out of that place. They yelled at me to open my eyes and find an alternative. The negativity of our situation was invading me all the time. The job was no longer a good fit for our new lives. I had to figure something out fast. Again, everyone around me could clearly see that. I quit after months of thinking it over.

It sucks (I'm so eloquent today) that my last few months at my old job were that way. It sucks that while I was always honest about how I felt about situations or dealings at work, people now think otherwise. They feel duped by a psycho they now believe was in their midst. Oh well. So be it. People thought Da Vinci, Michelangleo and Einstein were psycho-crazies. They thought Hitler was a god. I'm no Da Vinci but I am also not killer about to poison the water cooler. It's called a dark sense of humor that is all. I'm fine with people thinking what they think. I know who I am and what I stand for. I don't stand for crap treatment, harrassment sexual or any other type, or favortism. I know life is not fair and this happens everywhere but it doesn't mean one has to take it. I spoke up about it while at work and if you didn't hear me it's because you didn't want to. I don't like negativity and people who choose to stew in their own unhappiness refusing to take charge of the one life they have and pursue what they want really want.

If I liked you and cared about you it was genuine. I was always honest about that. If I didn't like you or felt you didn't like me, I stayed away from you. It wasn't me thinking I was better than anyone. Hell, the blog daily consists of me wondering if I'm doing things right. If you see yourself reflected badly somewhere and feel I was two-faced it might just have been the situation at the time. Either that or you know you are in the wrong and don't like it being in the open. I liked pretty much everyone I worked with or at the very least can say I respected you.

A blog is an online diary a lot of times. A way for many writers to vent. If you don't like this type of blog about parenting, women's issues, products and being a WAHM. Find another blog you like. Get over it. Move on. It's healthy.

That's all.

1 comment:

  1. Hey V, i love reading your blog. Everyday I check to see whats going on in your life. Its great,funny,sarcastic and real.Keep it up!!Its brave to have your diary online but I'm sure tricky too. yvonne
    ps--yep i was upset by the planned parenting add--I'm not buying into the abortion equals feminism and freedom. I just thinks it wrong and disgusting.


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