Melting

I am not a touchy-feely person. I haven't been since about birth. It was a running family joke as I began dating about what I was going to do when a boy tried to hold my hand or give me a hug.

As I got older friends had to warn me that they were about to hug me. I have to tell myself daily to pet the dog, hug my husband, or my parents as I get off a plane to see them. I have to tell myself, "ok this person is obviously coming in for a hug- do it back." I don't know why I'm programmed this way. My parents hugged and cuddled me all the time growing up. It's just something in me that doesn't come naturally. My parents say they knew H was special when they noticed me touching him more, even in front of people. This had to be the real thing they said.

I don't naturally like children either. Don't get me wrong. I like my friends kids. I will coo about them and say how cute they are, sweet or funny. But, I rarely hold them or touch them. It's nothing against them. I just simply don't think about it. I just look.

Now that I have a child I'm continually amazed at how easily I find myself smothering this baby with kisses. I squeeze her. I kiss her neck. I hug her and carry her around the house with me non-stop. We play and interact yelling at the top of our lungs and laughing. This is not me. I press my face to hers dancing cheek to cheek. We touch foreheads and bite noses. Was it the sheer fact that this being was forced to touch me for nine months that I now am finally conditioned to touch without thinking? I don't know.

I do know that a whole world of imagination that had been dulled has opened up it's doors again. I can have whole conversations with T.D. over pureed turkey and rice bits about her impending coup or hostile takeover with the dog, her attempts to Christmas shop without a lisence, and how she plans to rule her world for generations to come. We are loud and gesturing. This is not me. We laugh and smile a lot. Again, not me. The world is, while tiring, a much more alive place now that T.D. is here. Slowly, I feel that maybe I am melting. But, only just a little bit.

That my friend is about all the sap you are going to get out of me.