Sunday, December 31, 2006

Declaration of Independence

I've had enough. 2007 will be a year of change. Of progress. Of freedom for all oppressed mothers.

We the moms of America will no longer bow to the senseless demands of our youth. Let it be known:

If microwave Mac n' Cheese was good enough for dinner last night, it's good enough for tonight, tomorrow night and any other night we see fit.

Mother's Day does not start until 11am at the earliest. Any children attempting to bring over-baked muffins or limp dandelions into Her Highnesses bedroom before this time will be drop kicked over to Great-Aunt Ester's house for the week.

If toddlers fling heavy, pointy objects into our faces we demand the right to scream, stomp and hide in our rooms for an hour muttering.

6'oclock is bedtime. End of story.

Anything Dad says is uninformed dribble. Mom's word is law.

If you mess your diaper, you change it. Do we look like we care?

A finger will be cut off for every minute past your curfew you arrive home. After that we will advance to toes, limbs, or anything remotely lumpy on your tardy little body.

Any children not able or willing to clear their own dishes will eat outside off the dirt.

Mom may at any time search your room for diaries and revise with black Sharpie any content that inaccurately reflects her divine attributes for posterity.

Any resistance to living your parents' fantasy childhood vicariously is futile. And who knows, you might actually like being the Clogging Champion of the Chesapeake.

All runny noses will be duct taped until the flow of snot ceases.

The definition of allowance has been changed. It now refers to mother's largess in allowing children to continue living. However, resistance to the demands as outlined above will terminate this "allowance."


I for one am excited about this much-need regime change. But when I told my one year old the exciting news today she threw a block in my eye and laughed. The fool. Not everyone can appreciate the turning wheels of progress.


**Sarah Flake is a mother and brie connoisseur living in Los Angeles, California. Notable past achievements include: 4th place in a church chili cook off; 2rd place in a town pumpkin carving contest in the "Prettiest Pumpkin" category; and the coveted blue ribbon in a Limbo contest at an office Christmas party. She began writing stories for friends in 2nd grade and hasn't stopped writing since. Nowadays she writes primarily on her humor blog at http://hollywoodflakes.blogspot.com and derives sick pleasure from total strangers laughing at her daily flubs.

You can find me, Vicky, over at her site today. Click on the Blog Exchange button on the right for more Starting Over stories.

6 comments:

  1. Oh. Now this is good.

    I'm printing it out and hanging it on the fridge :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous1:45 PM

    Mind if I try this with my kids?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous8:20 PM

    Printing this off and duct taping it to the fridge...or the foreheads of my minions...hmmm.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is hysterical. Awesome humor. Thanks for the laugh. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous8:33 PM

    I'm all for the kids changing their own diapers :) In my house it was you either change your own diaper (he's 3) or you're potty trained. It worked great!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Brilliant. Sarah for president!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for commenting! It's always good to hear from a reader and not say, a robot.