Confession

I have a confession to make. I am a fraud. That woman you all see holding it together, smiling and laughing, making snarky, sarcastic comments? The one who seems to know what is going on all the time while sporting the latest nail color? Yeah, that can be me from time to time. But she's also the one who spends so little time with her kid that when she does make it out to "brave" the grocery store she is amazed when they make it home alive and in one piece.

Stop me if I'm wrong but shouldn't that phase be over by about 3-4 mos of the child's life? Shouldn't I, the mother of a 7 mos old T.D., be over this already? Because for me it's still on going. I live in fear of having to do anything with T.D. because I'm so not used to doing it. Either H, bless his heart, takes it on or I do it alone while she is with H at home or still in daycare. I chalk it up to inexperience and lack of practice. It's sad really. I feel that it's sad and pathetic. I'm not doing my job as a mother. I held my kid for 15 minutes yesterday. That's it. That is disgusting. I feel ashamed.

So here's the thing. I have a plan. I am willing to give all that up to stay home with T.D. To deal with the day in, day out care of that little despot and all her insane demands.

I want the red block!

Woman, get me the yellow block MOW!

Dog, little dog so sweet, come here so I can yank on your whiskers and laugh with glee while you cringe in pain. I am T.D.!!

I will give up my product whoriness, unless others want to send me things to try, seriously I will! I will try whatever you want to throw at me and write about them. I will buy less stuff, I will take less vacations or less glamourous ones. I swear I will! I will work my ass off freelancing, helping with our business and maybe even selling products on the side.

All to stay at home. And here's why. It's beyond that whole I want to be a stay at home Mommy thing. Because really I can't do just that. I need more for me and for T.D. I will find a balance in that mess. That is what is so sorely missing from our lives. The balance is gone. Our world is helter skelter. My marriage is quaking on it's once solid foundations. I find myself wondering if what was once so rock solid is now more jello-like in consistency. I don't think this will be an easy tansition for us by any means, but I know it's what needs to be done. I think that if we don't make this change I will crack up and our family will fall apart.

Last Thursday that day I "lost it"? That will keep happening. I can't keep up this pace. I can't keep this schedule. Therapy and drugs? Those things are not the answer. If I have to schedule one more thing like therapy or talk to someone about my problems I will scream and then be shipped off to a real sanitarium.

So tonight I will lay it all out on the table. If H reads this beforehand he will know what he is coming home to. I have a game plan. I am willing to sacrafice. My family is the most important thing to me and I feel I'm losing it and my marriage and I will not tolerate that. In my heart I know this is what we need to do and the rest really will figure itself out. Right?

Stay tuned....