Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Oh Where to Begin With This One

Yes, I am a working Mom. This is a fact of my life. I have many friends who work and have kids, be it part time or full. I also have friends who stay at home with their childeren. On top of that I have friends who don't have kids at all. Whew! I value all of these women for their choices and lifestyles for one reason- whatever their lifestyle choice they are happy with it or they make due. They are honest with themselves and their lives. They don't sugar coat the crap either. They all admit to bad days and wondering if life is greener or the other side. They know deep down it's not and that there are compromises, joys and failures in each type of life. They are ok with that.

Ok so this brings me to the rather annoying thing I have chosento talk about today. Yeah, I know I've missed the Product of the Week but more on that later. I swear. I freely admit before I really begin this topic that I am not perfect. In any way. I don't have the "perfect" body, mind or soul. I am not the best wife, mother or friend out there. Sometimes I'm downright lazy and slovenly. I burn things. I let T.D. cry too long or forget - oh yeah- she might need to be changed. I can chalk that all up to having too much going on in our lives and being a new Mom. But one thing is for sure and always holds true. I'm honest about my life. It can be crazy. I am honest about my dealing with PPD and how frustrated life can be as a new Mom, working or not. So what I hate is pity. Pity and dishonesty. DO NOT SEND ME AN EMAIL TELLING ME YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME. I do not want your pseudo pity with your cheap smugness lying behind it. I see it and you for what you really are. Someone who is deeply unhappy with your life for whatever reasons and you just can't admit to it. I don't even feel bad for you in any way. If you choose to live a lie and pretend that your life is "just great" ALL THE TIME, go for it. I will listen to you when you crack if you ever do and there won't be any cheap smugness lying behind my words. It's ok to admit to faults and fears. It really is.

People aren't perfect nor should they be. Life has crazy accidents, not everyone wants to live their life the same way and that's what makes this world great. Yeah, my job can suck but as of late I choose to not let it get to me. I'm working on finding an alternative. I know that even that won't be perfect. Life will still have it's insane moments. I wouldn't trade them for a dozen or more of your homemade cookies.

Besides I still make most of my food from scratch and I work full time. So beat that! (Sorry I had to get a Kanye reference in there) I know my child is happy and well taken care of and I love the time I spend with her. I worry about her yes. That is what parents do no matter what the situation is. Like I've said before as women/mothers/wives and friends we need to be together in the fact that no matter what choices we make we accept them and know that even if we don't agree with someone we support them. We don't offer fake pity and sorrow. We support and know that they are doing what is best for their family at that time. Or at least we hope so.

I just had to get that off my chest. Don't take this as a rant about me feeling insecure about my choices. Take it for what it is. A warning. A warning to those who read this and then comment to me about how awful my life must be. Spare me.

*******************A Comment Sent Via Email******************************************
I can relate to a lot of what you said. I get the smugness all the time directed towards me because I don't have a child to parade around or to live vicariously through. I think it is too much for some people to wrap their minds around, but there are other alternatives and as you said not everyone is the same. Thank God. So I did not lose my virginity on prom night or marry my high school sweetheart, or get pregnant on my honeymoon. Here's the ironic part, I feel sorry for people who took that route more than they could ever feel sorry for me. I see how desperately some women try to stifle their child's development on different levels and I think most are not even aware that they are doing it. At least I hope they are not. The children become their life and when that child grows up and has his or her own life the woman is an empty shell "married" to some guy she barely knows. I have to defend my choice everyday and answer deeply personal questions. The worst part is, I know it is not out of concern from these women, they don't even know me. They have no idea the reason why I don't have children yet they continue to pry even when I say no I don't have them. It's amazing, almost comical, but it isn't. The only reason they pry is because they are jealous of what they see on the outside, how pathetic is that?
Ok, that was my rant from the non-mom who gets crap for it on a daily perspective.


  1. I think we women are our own worst enemy - both to eachother and to ourselves. We are incredibly judgemental of eachother and end up feeling pitted against one another. Who cares if someone decided to stay single with no kids (lucky), single with 3 kids (mad props to you), married with no kids (hello - fun vacations and cool aunt!?), or married with 1 kid (sounds splendid!)? Maybe we do secretly wonder if life is greener on the other side and are sort of envious of the person who chose to take the other path? I have kids and feel I'm living vicariously through my single, childless friends (in a very positive way). Lucky them! But I also love my husband and kids and wouldn't trade them for all the exotic vacations and late nights eating in a fancy restaurant they enjoy (though a vacation or a night out every once in a while would be nice). Crap - would love to share more but one of my kids just threw something at the other and she's wailing. See - my childless friends wouldn't have this interruption ;)

    Let's be nice to eachother, shall we!? Especially to other women.


    That in my opinion, is what is going to make you a good mom. You are going to have a life outside of your kids. She will see you have a good relationship with a man(H), she will see you be a friend to your friends, do well at your job, take care of your health and just have fun enjoying YOUR life. She will learn that it is okay to be who you are and not what society thrusts upon you. The reason I am able to hold my head high in the face of questions intended to make me feel lesser is that I never had pressure from my mother to be a mother. Neither did my sister. She wanted us to be educated, ethical and honest with ourselves and others, moral, kind and happy. Those were her demands for us. I witnessed her being a wife, a friend, a scholar, a career woman, a workout queen and most importantly, just Marina. I am so grateful that I had such a strong woman role model. I never thought I needed a man or a child to fulfill myself. This is not to say that women who have children are all doing it to fill a void. I think having a baby with the man you love would be very gratifying and wonderful experience. Wouldn't it be nice if we as women could stop competing with each other for once and accept and support each other in the different choices we make? Life would be so much better. Not to question the immortal words of an old Virginia Slims ad, but "have we really come along way baby?"


Thanks for commenting! It's always good to hear from a reader and not say, a robot.