My sick Mind

I'm skipping my therapy appt for the second week in a row. I just don't feel the need for it but I also have something else going on tonight. It's rescheduled for next Tuesday. I just seriously don't think I want to keep going but I feel obligated. My only questions are- how do I know the zoloft is really working, when can I stop taking it and can I take something else because it makes me a bit dizzy and it's giving me very bizarre dreams. Or that could be the Sonata I'm taking at night with it. Which I am starting to hate too- after precisely 5 hours I wake up. I cannot fall back asleep. My dreams are insane and I wake up feeling like I can't breathe. I think I'm done with that but, I'm just so sick of going to the doctor. Sigh. I hate being monitored. My other thoughts are why do I still feel so violent or have violent tendencies. On some strange level I sort of enjoy them. My mind feels clearer and I feel more alive. On another level it's just not cool to have the thoughts I do and the logic that comes with them. It makes me wonder- where is the line between this is just in my head and I am going to pull some of these stunts. H. thinks I need to talk to the doctor and therapist about this. Problem is these violent thoughts are not about the baby, that's not really a problem it's just not in with PPD. They are whenever or wherever about whoever. Woe to you who cuts me off in traffic as I have visions of cutting you to ribbons while your family watches. I would hate to be thought of as a sociopath or something. I can just see it now, I confess to these bizarre thoughts and ideas and suddenly my neighbor is on the 6 o'clock news saying- "She just seemed like such a quiet person, so kind and thoughtful. We had no idea a monster was living next door to us. That poor husband and baby...." Cut to a very unflattering mug shot of me in an orange jumpsuit which is actually a good color on me.

Good news or a curse? I got my laptop today. Finally. Now is this going to bode good or bad for me. I sincerely hope I am not expected to take this home each night to continue working because that is just not going to happen. This is for emergency purposes ONLY! If T.D. is sick and I have to stay home, etc. Not if I just want to squeeze in a bit more time on a program. Ick.