Tuesday, June 20, 2006

My sick Mind

I'm skipping my therapy appt for the second week in a row. I just don't feel the need for it but I also have something else going on tonight. It's rescheduled for next Tuesday. I just seriously don't think I want to keep going but I feel obligated. My only questions are- how do I know the zoloft is really working, when can I stop taking it and can I take something else because it makes me a bit dizzy and it's giving me very bizarre dreams. Or that could be the Sonata I'm taking at night with it. Which I am starting to hate too- after precisely 5 hours I wake up. I cannot fall back asleep. My dreams are insane and I wake up feeling like I can't breathe. I think I'm done with that but, I'm just so sick of going to the doctor. Sigh. I hate being monitored. My other thoughts are why do I still feel so violent or have violent tendencies. On some strange level I sort of enjoy them. My mind feels clearer and I feel more alive. On another level it's just not cool to have the thoughts I do and the logic that comes with them. It makes me wonder- where is the line between this is just in my head and I am going to pull some of these stunts. H. thinks I need to talk to the doctor and therapist about this. Problem is these violent thoughts are not about the baby, that's not really a problem it's just not in with PPD. They are whenever or wherever about whoever. Woe to you who cuts me off in traffic as I have visions of cutting you to ribbons while your family watches. I would hate to be thought of as a sociopath or something. I can just see it now, I confess to these bizarre thoughts and ideas and suddenly my neighbor is on the 6 o'clock news saying- "She just seemed like such a quiet person, so kind and thoughtful. We had no idea a monster was living next door to us. That poor husband and baby...." Cut to a very unflattering mug shot of me in an orange jumpsuit which is actually a good color on me.

Good news or a curse? I got my laptop today. Finally. Now is this going to bode good or bad for me. I sincerely hope I am not expected to take this home each night to continue working because that is just not going to happen. This is for emergency purposes ONLY! If T.D. is sick and I have to stay home, etc. Not if I just want to squeeze in a bit more time on a program. Ick.


  1. As I'm sure you know, there are other medications you can try. Perhaps you should talk to the Dr. about your alternatives. You have to talk to someone. The fact that you are asking for help tells me you are not psycho or crazy or whatever...those people don't care that things aren't right. You are trying to find a solution. Hang in there. I love you!


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