Friday, May 19, 2006

Welcome to CRAZYLAND!

I'll be your host Vicky and I hope you enjoy your stay! First off I'm not saying that people with PPD or any other type of depression or anxiety disorder are crazy. I just want to make that clear. I just FEEL crazy today.

Yesterday I went to my OB/GYN for a visit and to discuss the fact that I think I have post-partum depression. I relayed my info to the nurse whose advice was- why not work part time, or from home or quit your job?! Wow! Why hadn't I thought of that. Thanks! Then the doctor comes in and he's a nice guy and I immediately start crying because I know I have to tell him all this stuff in order for him to give me the drugs I probably need. I have no idea how easy or hard that will be with him. So I go to town and just decide screw it! I'll tell him everything... ok not everything. I leave out the part about wanting to die in a car wreck last week. But I tell him about the lack of sleep I have even though the baby sleeps through the night. How I lie awake at night my mind going in circles. How overwhelmed and exhausted I am and I know it's normal but I beat myself up over it all with a negative tape in my head. I don't feel like myself anymore and my husband wants his wife back. He then launches into this whole thing about how some people don't want to take drugs but there are actual stats backing up the fact that there is a real chemical imbalance happening in me right now. My little head snaps up, face tear-stained and I say- OH! I'm fine with that- no stigma for me! I just want to know what type of drugs you can give me! I'm already signed up for therapy and everything I just need the drugs from you. He seems releived and gives me a bottle of zoloft and says he wants to see me in two weeks. Excellent!

Now I wonder- I have a cold and I am taking Sonata from my regular doctor to sleep. I took some last night and instead of going to bed right away I decided to catch up on my reading on child development. So there I sit in bed all comfy in my pillows and sateen sheets when I start to notice that the words on the page are falling off or just sliding around. Hmm... that's odd. Could that be the Sonata doing it's business? I then get the great idea that I should check on the baby in her crib. I climb out of bed but funny thing I don't seem to be walking right. My shoulders are scrunched up and lopsided and I'm all stiff as if I'm someone from the cast of the 'Living Dead'. Maybe checking on the baby isn't such a good idea. Come to think of it I can't figure out how to use the door knob to get out of our bedroom so I should probably just dead walk my way back to bed. I do that and before I know it it's 4:30 and my alarm is going off. Wow that stuff really works!

A little groggy this morning I wake up congested and decide to take some dayquil. And my multi-vitamin. And my first dose of zoloft which looks suspiciously like old Ambien tablets. Still I need to start taking them as they take a few weeks to kick in. I chug them all down. YEAH MEDS!!!

One hour later I'm driving to work and alternating between crying over a song on a mix CD my friend made me to laughing maniacally over strange images that are playing in my head. I switch off that CD and get to the Donnas. OOOhhh not a good choice the guitar riffs are making me feel insane! The sounds make me want to break some glass and start cutting myself while dancing around like crazy and alternately huddling in a corner lighting and throwing matches. This is getting a bit freaky. I switch CDs again-aaahhh good ol' Kanye. Inner peace is mine. There is nothing like hard bass and rapping about quitting the Gap at 5:30 in the morning. Calms my nerves. Still this dayquil/zoloft mix has me a little more than freaked out.

Two hours later- my mouth is like cotton. I just got out of a meeting with my boss where I'm quite sure I loudly said the word 'whore and mustang' in the same sentence. I have no idea what I was talking about. But my I'm wearing pretty socks today. I have happy dancing feet! Weeee.........

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