Halloween Happenings

Feet are up. Glass of water sits beside me.

Oh, that old game again? Yes. Yes, it is.

I had my special sonogram today and we found that indeed this time my amniotic fluid is low and the placenta? The 'done' buzzer has pretty much gone off on it. Dash Two has not made great strides in the growth department this month and while she is active as all get out and her heartbeat is coming through loud, clear and strong, I'm sort of a worried wreck.

No decision has been made other than, "Come back twice a week for non-stress tests and we'll see how it goes. We are not in scary territory yet but we could be headed in that direction." Kick ass, doc. Thanks. Tears oozed out the sides of my eyes despite her telling me things were OK.

I swear Internets, I have no idea what to do. I just want this to be done because I feel like a huge emotional mess. Like some ball of yarn that started out all neat, tightly wound and tidy and is now on the fast track to unraveling and being a total mess splayed out on the floor. Sitting on my couch during TD's nap time this afternoon I've tried to take my mind off of things. I've done my nails, emailed, watched Dirty Sexy Money and Lipstick Jungle and tried really hard to just not dwell on it or let it mess with me. I just want this done with. I want her here and in my arms and to know that she is safe. I don't want all these tests. They make me feel worse even when I pass them with flying colors. I'm done with this game and all the drama. I hate drama.

At this point, even watching my favorite Halloween movie isn't going to help. I want to be that woman who sat next to me in the waiting room bitching on her cell phone about how pissed she is that her kid is breech. Healthy but breech. The only thing that will help me right now is a healthy Dash Two being placed in my arms no matter how small she is.