The U.S. Economy is Kicking My Ass

The hours between 1:30 and 4 a.m. are when I can typically be found lying awake wondering about all the 'What if's'. The 'Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda's' too.

When I think back to when H & I made the decision for me to quit my corporate job and jump off that career path (um... wait, was that a career path? It felt sort of empty and meaningless to me. Drone-like actually) and into full-time Mommyhood and a fledgling writing career I was full of optimism. That optimism can still be found most days when I get an award, such as this one, or I am asked to do something fun like fly to Atlanta or head to some other city for work and I am actually paid to do that work that I love so much.

I remember how at the time, it was my job or our marriage. I stay home and try to write and make a bit of money or we were headed towards statisticville. The Big D. It was not an ultimatum, but a choice we both made and we were happy to do. Now, almost five months pregnant, with little work on the horizon and this sucky economy that leaves many jobs hanging in the balance, I wonder if I made the right choices.

The What If's Include:

What if I kept working? Would we have been able to stay married and sucked up our existence or are H & I really that into not being part of the whole system? We are dreamers, both of us. I see that now. Dreamers have a hard time just having a job and punching that ol' clock. It's like putting a square into a circle. We can do it, but usually it is with disastrous results.

What if we just sucked it up?

What if I shopped at the Dollar Store and threw away my beliefs for a while and sucked up the toxic $1 chemically-laden products they sell there?

What if when H tells me that I should spend the day doing something fun and adventuresome with T.D. rather than looking for work or trying to work I listened? It is awful hard to do that when the grocery and gas bill just keeps escalating.

I can't even go on, it isn't between the hours of 1-4 a.m. so my mind can't handle this with only a minor amount of caffeine.

I do know this though. The birth of T.D. somehow gave me the ability and confidence I had previously lacked to pursue my dream of becoming a writer. It was in looking at her that I wanted to have that passion realized and let it come to fruition. It was not something I could continue to squelch.

The 'what if's' no matter how ugly and nagging are going to have to be put aside. Too bad pregnant women can't take sleeping pills, the ones with continuous release.