Dude, It's Just Heavy

Focus.

Regroup.

Communicate.

All things that swirl around in my brain and that H and I need to do since his lay off last week. While it has only been a week in some ways it feels like a lifetime. The man is working his butt off on the job search and has come to the conclusion that he isn't sure if he wants to stay in his current field which leaves us to -

Focus, communicate and regroup.

We are going away this week for our planned vacation in sunny, beachy New England. While H feels incredibly guilty and embarrassed at the fact that he is taking a vacation while jobless this trip could not come at a better time. We'll be staying with my family so it's free and the grandparent childcare will give us the time we need to -

Regroup, communicate and focus

on what our next steps will be with our entire lives. Do we can the house flipping business for now? Does H stay in his current career? WTF is going on with mine and should I just cut myself some slack and take a bit of a breather? Enjoy the summer and this impending birth? Possibly so. I know that if I do that I need someone to tell me it is OK to do that. I can't seem to just make that decision myself without my Type-A persona kickin' my ass and telling me I'm a lazy so and so.

All this makes life incredibly heavy. Way heavy. The fact that no income is coming in makes life feel like a giant clock ticking away. The grains of sand in the hourglass are the days of our lives indeed. And insurance coverage.

As a couple we need to do the three things I keep discussing. Right now we are just not in sync with each other. Each one feeling that the other wants nothing to do with the other one. Each one feeling neglected and put upon. We are becoming scorekeepers and that is just not cool man. As H said, "It feels like too much effort right now." Isn't it that way in a relationship at various points? I believe so but that does not make it any easier when you are smack in the middle of that point in your relationship. I often think of Ronald Reagan's marriage advice, "A couple should be 50/50, but sometimes that is not possible and one partner will be doing 90 while the other 10. If a marriage is working both partners understand that inevitably that will flip flop and eventually right itself to 50/50 again." I'm para-phrasing but they didn't call that man the Great Communicator for nothing.

And Dash Two. My feelings about this new child have been a disaster of emotions from day one when I was excited beyond belief to the dismay and unbelievable hurt I've felt at the lack of excitement and downright disappointment this child has had in our extended family. Sorry, we don't make boys, but um... could you fake it perhaps? I already feel like a burden about having a kid while we are both not working. I don't need to feel that its not wanted. I want to be excited but its hard when I still get sick almost daily and am more tired than I've ever been in my life and feel that this child is an afterthought. To combat this, today I did what they say is such a faux-pas- I registered.

Yes, I know. No showers for second babies. Especially, if you have the same sex already. Bite me. This kid needs to be lauded and if making an online list helps me get excited and organized so that I can keep track of what we need, then so be it. While I can often be all about the etiquette there is also a time to break the rules. Now is that time.

Summer time and the livin's easy...I wish.