I'm a Writer First

I have been a bit silent here in the last week.  After we got back from our "drunk on freedom" vacation in San Francisco I received some bad news. The contract job I love was not being renewed. 

Laid off.

Talk about vacation buzz kill.

It hit me that beyond the great pay that this job provided, the sanity-saving trips I took that broke the norm, the sometimes crazy schedule, I was letting this one job begin to define me. I let it validate me.  It was easier to describe this one job than all the other smaller ones, with less pay that I was doing in the blogging and writing field.  When I discussed this job people could understand it and asked questions.  When I described blogging they smiled sweetly and looked like they might pat my head and say things like, "Well, isn't that fun for you!"  Like this whole thing I bust my ass on daily is a hobby. 

A HOBBY FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS.

And I took it.  I let that dictate how I viewed myself and that makes me feel a little crummy.  When I lost this job I cried.  No more ridiculous extras and fun stuff for me.  Back to feeling guilty if I spent money on myself because I should be using what little I have to pay for things like dance lessons and kids stuff versus vacations and presents. 

No more easy way out when I let my job define me as a person.  Saying you work on a DoD-funded contract with the military is way easier than saying, "I review products and play with skin creams and nail polish for a living."  It's not as much fun but it makes more sense to a whole lot of people who find it easier to take you more seriously because you administer mental health screenings instead of talking about cars, tweeting and playing with lipstick each day. 

I think it is time I man up again and take my true passion a bit more seriously.  I love what I do and I know it is sometimes hard to describe why I'm throwing a Barbie Manners party for little girls,visiting Detroit for Ford, or dressing up like a rock star.  It sounds frivolous and fun. It is, Mannit!  I just wish I could see my value better these days when it isn't tied to a larger pay check.

That feeling is really more demoting than any lay off.