Monday, December 20, 2010

Detachable Penis

Scene:  The breakfast table.  It is barely 8 a.m. and I am working on my first cup of coffee.  T.D. sits across the table from me.  The Fifth Element is in my arms.

TD:  "Mom?  How did The Fifth Element get in your tummy?"

V:  "What?  Oh, you mean how did I have The Fifth Element?"

TD:  "Noooo.... How did The Fifth Element get IN your tummy?" 

V:  (Nervous smile, shooting eyes heavenward, thinking, "It is too early! Where is H when I need him?!")  "Eeehh, in my tummy. Right.  Well...." Swig coffee likes it is bourbon. 

And then I said the thing I swore I would never say because it is so cliched and so cheesy and as H put it 'wildly inaccurate because any two incestuous rednecks can make a baby!"  I said-

"Well, when a man and woman really love each other.."  Then I puked in my mouth.  OK, not really, but I wanted to.  "OK TD, let me start over. Men have sperm and women have eggs.  Sperm are a lot like little fish because they can swim.  The man gives the woman sperm to fertilize her egg, just like bees pollinating flowers. Got it?"

She nods, smiling.  I ask, "Are you sure you don't already know the answer to this?" 

TD:  "No.  Why?"

V:  "Just wondering. So the egg and sperm come together to make a baby that grows in the woman's tummy and that is how The Fifth Element got into mine."

TD:  "How did you get the sperm?" 

V: "Daddy gave it to me. It comes from his penis, which he puts in my vagina." 

TD: (Eyes wide, mouth hanging open) "He takes his penis OFF and gives it to you?!" 

V:  "Not quite.  We have to lay really close to each other to do this."

TD: "Oh. OK.  And some women have their babies through their vagina's and others get their stomachs cut open?" 

V:  (Can you tell she's been around a lot of pregnant women?)  "Yup.  That's how it works."

TD:  "When I grow up and have babies I want them to come out my vagina. No ones cutting me open!" 

Aren't you glad you came here for this sex education class today?


  1. I'm so glad he doesn't have to take it off, but if you think about it, if you originally thought that it makes the actual act of sex so much less traumatic.

  2. ' TD: (Eyes wide, mouth hanging open) "He takes his penis OFF and gives it to you?!" '

    HAHA! I love it. Now another response to this question could have been "No, dear...that's a dildo. We'll learn about that in another class.". Seriously, TD is the cutest.

  3. Oh my goodness, this is classic! Good work, Vicky! I think you explained it all quite well. :)

  4. Anonymous9:25 PM

    Too bad we can't "like" comments here, as on Facebook. Put my "thumbs up like" next to Candi's comment! -E

  5. Amazingly, in ten years and two kids, I've not yet had to GO THERE but you did good (vomiting in mouth notwithstanding)!


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