A Mother's Worst Fear

The realness and rawness of my dream last night was beyond belief. I had to be woken up by H. My sobbing woke him. I couldn't stop even after I was awake and I had to go check on T.D.

Being a mother is a lot of things but it is those dreams that we have that seem so horrific and real that really let you see the bigger picture. The depth of the love you have for your child that we sometimes get separated from in the every day mires of our lives. After of changing countless diapers, potty training, cleaning cheerio bits out of the car, finding crayon on windows, and telling your kid a rice cake is a cookie just to get them to eat it, you forget about the deep rawness that is the love you have for your child.

I think my subconscious was reeling me back in last night. I dreamt that T.D. was taken from our home in the middle of the night. Abducted. We were asleep and had no idea until it was too late. When she was found across town only a mere three hours later she was dead. Strangled by a stranger who had crept into our home and destroyed the life we knew. It was truly beyond description. The intensity of the emotions. The realness. I could smell the night air. The shock and disbelief, the guilt that I should have heard someone just across the hall, and the grief. The wailing and oh the incredible pain. I'm glad H woke me because I couldn't take much more. I felt I wanted to die myself. My face still feels swollen from the crying.

After I calmed down I quietly snuck into T.D.'s room breathing in the scent of her as I entered. There she was in her toddler bed still in the position of a baby. Her little butt in the air , arms and legs all tucked in. I covered her with her green blanket and she startled awake. She turned to me and smiled and I smiled back with great relief. I patted her back to sleep and wished someone could pat me back to sleep. My mind was racing still and my emotions still bubbling up. I finally drifted off a little later but today I feel exhausted. Emotionally spent and done.

Being a mother is way more than wiping bottoms and showing your child how to eat with a spoon or tie a shoe. The emotional investments creep up on you and slam you over the head sometimes leaving you stunned and reeling. This parenting thing is not for the faint of heart.