Make Him Stop America!

Preppy Ass. Flat preppy ass. That is the term that instantly blinks like a neon sign in my brain when I see Tucker Carlson. That and then a shudder ripples through my body. This syndrome that we'll call "Tucker Syndrome Phase One", as I'm sure other phases will develop over time, happened repeatedly last night. Why? Well because my crap-tv addicted self just HAD to watch 'Dancing with the Stars'.

I knew that Tucker would be on there. For weeks I've known and dreaded his dance moves being made national. I just knew nothing good was going to come of this. Sadly there are no pictures posted yet or video I could find to really show you how dreadful it was. H left the room. He has no time for such nonsense. Though last season that boy was all over Drew Lachey like white on rice. But I digress.

The instant that they started his segment it was like a train wreck. I was alternately cringing and hiding my face with my hands, arms, legs, a pillow or the dog. The watermelon pink pleated pants, the glaring white socks with black heeled dance shoes, the button down shirts to train in, the list goes on, all made me powerless to change the channel. The worst beyond the actual dancing, is Tucker's penchant for wearing tapered leg pants. I suppose only being seen from the waist up normally has advantages for him and but now we the American public know his ugly secret. Tucker is sporting a gut and he has to wear his double pleated, tapered leg khakis far below his waistline. Not attractive Mr. Carlson, not attaractive. Tsk Tsk. Where was wardrobe when you desperately needed them?

Sometimes, he appeared to be making an effort. Sweating profusely he would lumber and stumble along. Other times he appeared almost fey and pranced albeit clumsily along. I feel for his partner. She has a long hard path to hoe with this man. She knows it too. More power to you sister for persevering and not quitting the show from the getgo.

However, I save the worst/best for last. The actual dance sequence on LIVE! television. Oy. It starts out with Tucker in a chair. Oh goodie, I thought, where is this leading? Oh crap! I thought seconds later as I watched his partner girate in front of him Cha Cha style as he sat and watched smiling stupidly. It was like having a view into a weekend where "Tucker does Bachelor Party!" Come to think of it the whole thing wreaked of a bad wedding weekend. He is THAT guy. You know, the groomsmen who has a bit too much to drink and you are forced to dance with him, only he can't dance for shit but tries REALLY hard and makes a lot of embarrassing faces while doing it. That's Tucker. When he finally got up from the chair, after his "lap dance" from his partner, he struck the classic jokey Cha Cha pose. Arms up he skipped across the floor. This time someone in wardrobe for ABC was nice enough to find the man a pair of non-tapered pants.

When it was all said and done all I could think was, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE AMERICA NO MORE. This is a form of slooooow torture brought to you week by week by Charmin. He cannot stay. So do your civic duty and vote that sucker off!

Update: Click on the title and you too can see a video of the dance of death!