Little Ms. Bree

Those of you who know me know that I have a tendency to be a bit of a perfectionist at times. I like organization. I like order and neatness. Since having the baby I've loosened up a bit- you have to or you will go mad. Yesterday, however, I felt like a member of the Bree Van de Kamp (of Desperate Housewives for those of you who don't watch) fan club. Or at least a clone in my A-line skirt, pointy-toed mules, and sweater set. It's bad enough I'm blonde with a cute haircut!

I hate being late. I hate when people are late meeting me. It's rude. Yet there I was late for my first therapy session. I was almost twitching with irritation. Ok I was twitching with irritation. My husband, the relief group, got stuck in traffic and arrived home with only ten minutes for me to get to my appointment. I then could not get out of my neighborhood to save my life. The great community of Lakeridge decided rush hour was the best time to make the two lane road into one. I thought I was going to have a breakdown. The last thing I wanted when I was already nervous about going to this session was to be tense and late. I finally arrived about 20 minutes late and spent most of the appointment filling out paperwork. When I was finally done I had no idea what to say. Hi, I'm depressed.... I think? I'm not sure- can you tell me?

So to start I must keep a journal each day just jotting down thoughts. Happy or unhappy? Angry? Feeling like other people are noticing you twitch or that you might have gotten Tourettes overnight because you can't stop yelling at random people for no reason at all? Yeah, that is me sometimes. I also must continue my meds even if I don't feel anything and to section out 15-20 minutes a night before bed where I have alone time. Easier said than done. We'll see how all this goes. As it stands now I'm counting the weeks until I'm done with my 8 free sessions.

100 Ways of Crazy

I stayed home from work yesterday. I HAD to get some sleep. It was a busy weekend and the dear husband felt on Sunday night we should stop swaddling the baby. Also known as T.D.- Tiny Dictator. We call her this mainly because she looks like a little Mussolini when she's cranky or Kruschev, especially when she throws her hands in the air as if to say- "What the hell?!?" Anyway, T.D. was not swaddled. What happened well let me tell you.

10 p.m. - T.D. fights like mad not to go to bed but finally passes out. The tiny dictator is put in her crib.

12:30 a.m.- T.D. coughs herself silly and effectively wakes up the whole house and begins to cry. Husband gets up to put her back to sleep.

1:30 a.m.- T.D. wakes up crying. No swaddling means swatting herself in the face all night long. Despots hate to be hit in the face even by themsleves.

2:30 a.m.- Evil little T.D. wakes herself yet again. I wake up again as well. My brain is not functioning on the level of having the brilliant idea to swaddle her. Besides I want to make my point here to my husband that she still needs it.

3:30 a.m.- Noticing a pattern anyone? I was even at this hour. She is awake again... I stick a pacifier in her puckered mouth and go back to bed.

4:30 a.m.!!!!- My alarm goes off- Dear God in Heaven why? What have I done to have this dictator rule over my little land this way? Who put her in power? When did the coup occur? Am I in an interrment camp? I decide the day must begin and bring T.D. her breakfast. Peace at last has come to our land. The despot is sated for the time being.

I however am now so tired I feel like spiders are crawling through my veins. My mind feels like it's playing a cassette tape on fast forward and that I should not be driving or operating heavy machinery. My husband wakes up and I tell him-I'm calling in. I can't take this. I NEED sleep. He replies- Oh she's not going to daycare today? I reply- Oh yeah, she's going to daycare today.

6 a.m.- Peace has been restored and I am blissfully falling asleep. The house is quiet, the dog is snuggling into the duvet with me and I breathe a sigh of relief. I wake up 6 hours later the day almost gone but feeling much better. By the time I get ready to pick up T.D. from daycare I'm feeling normal and able to drive. Whew! As luck would have it T.D. is in a great mood having slept almost all day as well.

Now we just have the rest of the week to tackle.

Welcome to CRAZYLAND!

I'll be your host Vicky and I hope you enjoy your stay! First off I'm not saying that people with PPD or any other type of depression or anxiety disorder are crazy. I just want to make that clear. I just FEEL crazy today.

Yesterday I went to my OB/GYN for a visit and to discuss the fact that I think I have post-partum depression. I relayed my info to the nurse whose advice was- why not work part time, or from home or quit your job?! Wow! Why hadn't I thought of that. Thanks! Then the doctor comes in and he's a nice guy and I immediately start crying because I know I have to tell him all this stuff in order for him to give me the drugs I probably need. I have no idea how easy or hard that will be with him. So I go to town and just decide screw it! I'll tell him everything... ok not everything. I leave out the part about wanting to die in a car wreck last week. But I tell him about the lack of sleep I have even though the baby sleeps through the night. How I lie awake at night my mind going in circles. How overwhelmed and exhausted I am and I know it's normal but I beat myself up over it all with a negative tape in my head. I don't feel like myself anymore and my husband wants his wife back. He then launches into this whole thing about how some people don't want to take drugs but there are actual stats backing up the fact that there is a real chemical imbalance happening in me right now. My little head snaps up, face tear-stained and I say- OH! I'm fine with that- no stigma for me! I just want to know what type of drugs you can give me! I'm already signed up for therapy and everything I just need the drugs from you. He seems releived and gives me a bottle of zoloft and says he wants to see me in two weeks. Excellent!

Now I wonder- I have a cold and I am taking Sonata from my regular doctor to sleep. I took some last night and instead of going to bed right away I decided to catch up on my reading on child development. So there I sit in bed all comfy in my pillows and sateen sheets when I start to notice that the words on the page are falling off or just sliding around. Hmm... that's odd. Could that be the Sonata doing it's business? I then get the great idea that I should check on the baby in her crib. I climb out of bed but funny thing I don't seem to be walking right. My shoulders are scrunched up and lopsided and I'm all stiff as if I'm someone from the cast of the 'Living Dead'. Maybe checking on the baby isn't such a good idea. Come to think of it I can't figure out how to use the door knob to get out of our bedroom so I should probably just dead walk my way back to bed. I do that and before I know it it's 4:30 and my alarm is going off. Wow that stuff really works!

A little groggy this morning I wake up congested and decide to take some dayquil. And my multi-vitamin. And my first dose of zoloft which looks suspiciously like old Ambien tablets. Still I need to start taking them as they take a few weeks to kick in. I chug them all down. YEAH MEDS!!!

One hour later I'm driving to work and alternating between crying over a song on a mix CD my friend made me to laughing maniacally over strange images that are playing in my head. I switch off that CD and get to the Donnas. OOOhhh not a good choice the guitar riffs are making me feel insane! The sounds make me want to break some glass and start cutting myself while dancing around like crazy and alternately huddling in a corner lighting and throwing matches. This is getting a bit freaky. I switch CDs again-aaahhh good ol' Kanye. Inner peace is mine. There is nothing like hard bass and rapping about quitting the Gap at 5:30 in the morning. Calms my nerves. Still this dayquil/zoloft mix has me a little more than freaked out.

Two hours later- my mouth is like cotton. I just got out of a meeting with my boss where I'm quite sure I loudly said the word 'whore and mustang' in the same sentence. I have no idea what I was talking about. But my I'm wearing pretty socks today. I have happy dancing feet! Weeee.........

Congrats!!!

Just a few little shout outs to my friends who have done some great things recently!

1. Congrats to my cousin Amy who got into Northeastern! YEAH!!! She also recieved a 5k a year scholarship for academic excellence. I'm so proud!

2. A job well done to my friend Candi who organized an amazing event- the first EVER Y-ME Walk to Empower in Washington, DC on Mother's Day. It was a great morning and everyone had a good time. Can't wait for next year!!!!

I hope I'm not missing anyone here. And a big THANK YOU to all my friends who are a constant source of support in every way. I couldn't write all this stuff without you guys!

Question of the Week- #105

If you are a Mom- what did you do for Mother's Day? What did you WANT to do for Mother's day? Did the two things align?

I wanted a nap. I kept falling asleep only to be woken up by various things. The nap never happened but I did get some very thoughtful gifts from my husband, daughter, dog and family. THANK YOU! I really do appreciate it.

Three Things

Well readers I have an announcement to make. It's not official yet but I think I'm depressed. Call it delayed PPD (Post Partum Depression) or just a mild case good ol' fashioned depression I have to say it's here. I can't deny it anymore there is way too much wrong with me. Without going into too much detail though I feel completely overwhelmed and half the time I think "Suck it up woman! Everyone does this!" and the other half I feel stuck in a deep dark hole with the idea of drying my hair sounding completely exhausting and not survivable. It's a blast let me tell you! I'll be going to the doctor and a therapist in the next week so things should start to get back on track but let me just say- if you find yourself looking at the pouring rain outside and thinking- Oh good! Maybe I'll die in a car wreck on the way to work and not have to deal with all this anymore. Get help! That is not normal.

With all this going on I've decided I need to try and stop this negative tape going off in my head and poisoning my brain. I thought up this plan. We'll see how well it works. Every day I will think of three things and write them down in a notebook. These three items will be things I should be happy about or grateful for. At the end of the month (if my depression addled brain can commit to something for that long) I will look it over and probably find a lot more positive things in my life than I think there are. Am I a product of my generation and Oprah or what?!?

1. It's sunny outside today- it was total crap yesterday. So yeah!!
2. I joined Weight Watchers today ( yup, I paid money and everything and I'm officially counting points now)
3. I remembered to wear my Crest Whitening Strip on my teeth. I keep them at work and normally forget. But today well I'm on my way to bright white teeth!

It took me a while to think of those things but it actually feels good seeing it in print. I'll keep you posted on my path to mental health wellness. I get 8 free therapy sessions and possibly drugs - whoo hooo!!! Does life get better than that?



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I was so touched by your recent post. First of all, I’m proud of you for figuring it out. Depression sucks. “Regular” or post-partum. Period. I admire you for admitting it in such a public space, and I’m glad that you’re going to the doctor and therapist. I know how it feels, to think the world is ending and everything is falling apart. But you’ll come out of it. You have a beautiful daughter and a loving husband and (modest and) wonderful friends. I’m amazed at all that you juggle and how well you do it.(I know, you hate the touchy-feely stuff, but it had to be done! *hug*)

Some people are Cahrayzeee!!!!

Everyone check this link out- it makes you wonder who these people are? Do we know them? Are we one of them? I hope not! Still it's pretty funny. Thanks Steph for alerting me to it and passing it on.

http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/

Just Five More Minutes.....

In my effort to remain healthy and feel good about myself (and my butt and thighs) I've been trying to make a valiant effort each week to get to the gym or do some sort of aerobic activity a few times a week. I need to relieve stress and it's a great way to have some time to myself. Yesterday I was so ready to get to the gym but I guess life had other plans for me.
I should have known when I went to pick up the little one at her daycare and found her sound asleep in her crib that my time was limited. She woke up and was wide awake in her car seat on the drive to the gym. I got there right as the day care is supposed to open but guess who was a no-show. Yup, the daycare worker. She's late- AGAIN! The chick is always late. As the restless Moms milled around the room you could hear this grumbling going around that almost became a chant- if she's always late why does she still have a job?! Just what I myself was wondering as I looked down at my baby silently pleading with her to be happy for an hour- just an hour for Mommy please?! Finally 20 minutes later the girl shows up. I practically hurdle over the kiddie door and run to the only ellipitical machine available.
I was about 17 minutes into my cardio when I heard it. That unmistakable sound. A child crying, no screaming. And it's my child. I look at the monitor on the machine. 17 bloody minutes and I'm just getting into a zone. My little running high had kicked in and I'm dripping in sweat and loving it. Only she's screaming her head off and now I can't concentrate. It keeps going and I finally decide to get off the machine. I know that I'll walk into that nursery and there goes my workout. I'm so angry and frustrated! Does this happen to my husband? No it doesn't! I'm fuming. I walk into the room and the girl is holding my baby whose carrier is placed in front of a large heat duct which is blasting hot air. The carrier seat is hot to the touch. No wonder she's screaming her head off. I just glare at her and take my kid. I buckle her in and stuff her pacifier in her mouth glaring at her too. It's not her fault I know but I just wanted at least 30 minutes!! I pack her screaming butt in the car and we head home. My husband comes home later and asks- how was the gym?! I just glare and say - Not good. She cried, I had to leave. Sigh...

Today I'm thinking well it's not the first time this is going to happen and this is the way it is now. No matter what at least I got there and did something. She can't take care of herself and I'm the one who has to do it. I just have to accept that she does come first before some things now. I'll lose the weight, I'll get there I will. I just have to get creative.

The creepy, funny and sublime- It's Question of the Week #104

It's a really sloooooow week at work this week, so I've had some time to think about things and wander around the office a bit. Here's some things I've noticed.

Creepy: Co-workers calling you Momma about 5 inches from your face or in your ear- ICK! It was bad enough when I was pregnant but at least I had the bump to keep people at a safe distance. Hey Buddy! Ever heard of personal space?

Also creepy- realizing that snot, spit, puke and other disgusting outpourings from your little one are not as bad as you thought they would be.

Funny: My husband actually using real sign-language to communicate with me one morning while Reagan was screaming in my ear so loud I couldn't hear him speak. Only thing-I'm not fluent in signing like he is so I still have no idea what the heck he was trying to say!

Funny, I thought I was tired before but no, I am really tired now. Sleep deprivation also does wonders for my sense of humor - it's called - I no longer have one. Poor Dom. Either that or I'm laughing hysterically at a really inappropriate time.

The sublime is just what you thought it would be the first smile, that first laugh that catches them by surprise and all the little things that make your day better even when you feel like blowing up the world or just mowing down a few slow pedestrians. Or even the not so slow ones.

So that brings me to the question of the week-

What creepy, sublime or funny this has happened to you recently? It doesn't have involve your child because maybe you don't have one!

Like always, thanks for reading! Life is pretty quiet right now which we all know won't last for too long.